


For you blue

by uncleankle



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: F/F, moonsun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 01:07:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19240741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uncleankle/pseuds/uncleankle
Summary: Yongsun is having a bit of a girl crush, a bit of a life crisis.





	For you blue

Kim Yongsun was many things.

 

It was only that sometimes she didn't know her full potential until something transcendental, a moment of realization, something so incredibly significant happened and she couldn't just ignore it and continue living her life the way it was.

 

Before her talents had been discovered, she never thought that being involved in the Korean music industry was something she could do, even less being a singer and dancer... Much less being the leader of her own group. But it had happened in a way not even in her sickest fantasies would have been, nevertheless as smoothly as it was.

 

Other example was to have real friends, her sisters for life. She always thought she was cursed with an awkwardness that banned meaningful relationships and socialization, but life was beautiful and full of surprises, and here she was, blessed with beautiful girls like Wheein, Hyejin and Byul. They loved her true self and she could simply be, with all her dorkiness and nerdy manners, and they could laugh all day, all night and be supportive of each other.

 

But then... There also was the thing about Moon Byulyi. It all led to an important realization.

 

Somehow along the way, starting as enemies, they found a pretty solid friendship. Yongsun used remembered those instances, like an anthropologist going through the steps of history, following the time line to understand the actual predicament.

 

So they met in the agency. A rough first encounter, in which neither of them could barely stand the other. Fast forward, Yongsun slowly realized that the other girl wasn't all that bad, and between obligations and work, she found herself helping Moonbyul a little with her rap lines, though to be completely truthful, the other girl had an innate rhythm and flow, so it was more like a follow up. But unexpectedly, they bonded.

 

Yongsun came to really care about Moon Byulyi. At the same time, she really started loving Wheein and Hyejin, and then the roof house happened, and some of the most special moments so far in Yongsun life rolled around with the girls. Her own little and special family. She, maybe for the first time, she supposed she could say that, felt herself at home.

 

But then, with Moonbyul it was different. She thought briefly it had to do with them both being around the same age, while with the girls... Well, they certainly were younger but they also had their own dynamics, built over the many years of friendship and unconditional support.

 

Moonbyul, perhaps, was her first confident in life. She was someone she trusted like no one else, who learned all the map of her life, who listened to her stories gladly, embraced her silly times and her crazy ideas. Sometimes she cried in her chest, and the girl would just hold her like she was the most precious thing in her life, and she would feel all warm and loved. Moonbyul was her best friend, her equal in life, her rock and her strength.

 

And Yongsun hoped that Moonbyul at least could relate to that feeling. She hoped Moonbyul could feel free with Yongsun and be just like her soul wanted her to be. Wild, open, happy... That she felt as loved as Yongsun. She hoped she was loyal and patient with her, and to give back all the good things that someone as kind as Moonbyul gave to her.

 

Yongsun pondered. So far, it was pretty normal. To meet a girl contemporary to her, share the same goals and dreams, strive to fulfill them, and work every day together. Along the way, develop a meaningful friendship and be kind of inseparable.

 

But Yongsun also felt it wasn't like that at all.

 

In her own mind, the secret and only truly private space of the human society, she tried to be fairly honest with herself. But there were certain vaults she hoped remained closed. For the better, she thought. She tried, though.

 

Life in Korea was hard for a woman. She was used to certain ways of living were she avoided contact with the most patriarchal environments or spaces and avoided certain men that you could see were entitled from the sky. Being homosexual was forbidden, it was uncommon and for the better or worse, people that were like that usually lived in the shadows. Some of them married a straight person, others pretended to live a life they couldn't love, very few people had the guts and the means to be proud of who they were, but it was never easy.

 

So being a gay woman in Korea was something Yongsun had wanted to avoid. Avoided at all costs, avoided all her life. But her vault was shaking, something dark and dangerous was brewing in herself and she couldn't seem to tap it closed one again.

 

She guessed she felt too much. And if she could really, really be honest with herself... She kind of was having feelings for her best friend. The homosexual ones. Forbidden feelings as it is. She hated herself for it, she tried to be less open and less touchy feely with Moonbyul, tried to make more space between reality and her desires, but her feelings only seemed to grow more with each passing day.

 

Her feelings were kind of problematic. Replaying some takes or short videos of her and the girls, she could see herself checking out Moonbyul, devouring her with her eyes while she thought no one was watching. But in her lifestyle, there were eyes every day, cameras filming and selling every bit of her life, leaving her exposed and embarrassed. She started to hear rumors between her fans, some calling them a couple, some calling out her feelings and she felt so powerless. So overwhelmed and so scared.

 

Some instances were hard. Sometimes she felt really alone. Like she could not relate to anyone. Moonbyul was her confident but she could never tell her that, she'd never put her through the burden of her own feelings, she could never have wanted her to feel betrayed, like she overstepped, like she couldn't trust Yongsun anymore.

 

There were times where she had to take a break. Sometimes she had panic attacks in the day. She'd excuse herself and go lay on the bathroom floor. Sometimes she cried at night. She felt cursed to be different, to be like that. But she slowly tried to get up and put yet another mask in her life.

 

But then there were the girls. The most perfect gift of her life. Above being famous, above getting to work in music and to do what she truly wanted professionally so, were her friends. And they, even though she wouldn't want them to worry about her inner trials, noticed her demeanor and tried to cheer her up.

 

So they threw her a party. She later found out that it had been Moonbyul's idea. And her heart, caged between her ribs felt like it had growth three sizes.

 

Hyejin and Wheein danced and fooled around so much that she found herself sprawled on the floor, laughing her butt off. Moonbyul also played with them, then with Yongsun, and they all had a great time. They all were pretty weird over all, but together, their peculiar traits seemed to mend nicely and bring the most random things about the others, so a night like this was unforgettable.

 

Since that day in, Yongsun realized that maybe the world would not accept her at all, maybe never, but her friends would. The warmth and the love for them gave her strength to keep moving and she said to herself, she would give her all to their project, to their dreams and protecting her girls.

 

\------------

They were in Japan. Mamamoo was presenting a new show and they had sold all the tickets already. Yongsun was sharing the hotel room with Moonbyul mostly by habit, since from the beginning of the group, Wheein and Hyejin always insisted in being put together and her and Moonbyul, getting to know each other and finding pretty interesting stuff in common seized every opportunity to share, laugh and have fun together.

 

Since her feelings had stared to overflow and pour and be all over the place like a force that could not be tamed, it had been a little more difficult. She tried to be her same old self but it was an increasingly conscious effort not to look at Moonbyul in every single moment, with the periphery of her eye or in moments were it was simply inappropriate.

 

Moonbyul was a very honest person. She didn't have anything to hide. She was what she was and she wore her heart in her sleeve, her mind in her eyes. She was also like that, open, carefree, with her body. It wasn't unusual for her to walk around in underwear or in a towel so little that barely could cover certain parts. And now, with Yongsun being the gay mess she was, this was proving to be a problem.

 

She really tried not to stare, but she was somehow weak. She knew she stole glances and she had always known she wasn't very sneaky, so she could only hope it wasn't plain obvious. She caught the silver of her skin when playing those dumb games on her cellphone her shirt would ride and expose her middle. She gazed her toned legs, pale and long, and traced every outline of the muscles visible. She could see her nose, the funny expressions she sometimes wore, but over all that, she always was mesmerized by her beauty.

 

She chastised herself the minute she realized what she was doing. Ogling her best friend... _Yongsun, get a grip of yourself,_ she thought. Slowly, she got up to the bathroom and washed her face, she looked her eyes in the mirror and felt like a stranger. A gay stranger, she could not believe it but she was trying to make amends with her... Condition, as she every so often called it.

 

She put on some more fresh water and walked a beeline to her bed. Moonbyul looked over her phone. She had cleaned all of her makeup off and she looked clear, her face soft and feminine, and slowly smiled at her.

 

"Unnie, are you going to sleep already?" she snickered. "I know you are old but it's barely 8:30."

 

"I'm not feeling really energetic now. I better save everything for the show...", she muttered, choosing to forego the part where Moonbyul called her old.

 

"Well, I can't imagine you are bored... All you've done the past hours is stare at me though."

 

Yongsun, instead of panicking, analyzed the look on Moonbyul's face. She was smirking and had a mischievous glint in her eye. Yongsun knew her, she wasn't being serious. She had a serious problem of entitlement and she sometimes thought really highly of her beauty just to tease her out.

 

"Hah, you wish. Imagine boredom if all I can do in an evening is to watch your stupid face. You weirdo."

 

"Oh really, so you didn't just notice that I've been working out lately?" The nerve of this girl... "You want a bite of all this, babe?"

 

"Don't be weird!", yelled Yongsun. "We all work out together, so no, don't be like that. Gaght, why am I friends with someone so greasy?!"

 

And to make her point, she flared her pillow directly on Byul's face. The girl just laughed, threw the pillow back, successfully hitting the top of Yongsun face and getting back at her phone.

 

"You love me nevertheless, Unnie."

 

And with a playful smirk, she resumed her playing like nothing had happened, and left Yongsun frustrated, annoyed and a little turned on in her own bed trying to organize the pillows and ignore her roommate.

 

\------------

 

Trying to cope her feelings towards Moonbyul, Yongsun reckoned, had proven to be more difficult than what she imagined to be. She naively thought it would take months and then, if she didn't act it out and they continued to be friends just the way they had always interacted with each other it could fade eventually and that one day, probably, she would look back and say... Well, that's a bullet I skipped and I managed it pretty well...

 

But in the practice, it was proving to be a lot much harder. Yongsun didn't foresee certain... Situations, per se.

 

It was three in the morning, still in Japan. The concert had been successful and the team had celebrated shortly, drinking a little on her behalf, a lot more if you think about Wheein and Hyejin, but they all retired early in the night in order to sleep. They had an early flight towards yet another city in the country to continue touring and they all cherished sleep.

 

Yongsun fell asleep in about a five seconds span and slept soundly. She hoped to get all the rest needed for a demanding schedule.

 

But then, she woke up again. At three am. It was a warm night and the room was hot. Yongsun felt hot and felt the sheets sticking up in her body, to her sweat. But much more remarkable than all that, she was also hot. She had had a pretty dangerous dream in which Moonbyul was doing wonders to many special places in her body. She closed her eyes, begging her breathing to stay still. She could still see some of the images. Moonbyul's hands roaming her legs, opening then without effort, her own back arching with anticipation and her mischievous gaze, charged with so much lust as she was about to go down on her...

 

Yongsun gritted her teeth. She could feel her underwear ruined, her center pulsing and wanting, waiting. Moonbyul was sleeping and lightly snoring on the other side of the room, her silhouette unbeknownst of her inner fire.

 

Her mind, clouded by sleep, lust and want, begged her to bring out a bit of relief. Her insides were moving and there was so much heat. The dark room and dark ceiling did not offer much support and her senses were enhanced, she could smell Moonbyul's fresh and clean scent from the other side. She was really sensitive when she squeezed her legs together, searching for some friction. She breath hitched with the pressure and she knew she was somewhat close. She tried another time, experimentally, flexing her muscles, running them together and she almost whimpered in her pillow.

 

She closed her fists around the sheets and tried to calm herself. If she kept toying with herself, she could lose it and risked waking up Moonbyul. Against every pressing desire, she tried to breath slowly, to calm herself. Some minutes later, still turned on but visibly calmer, she got up and went to the bathroom.

 

She washed her face and her hands. She was shaking. Her face was red, she looked sweaty and her eyes looked lost. She waited for some more minutes, not wanting to go back and reignite the desire.

 

Back in her bed again, she couldn't go back to sleep again. She felt guilty and tired, worried about how to face her friend the next day.

 

\------------

Fortunately for her, no one seemed to notice her tiredness or grouchy manners, or at least if they did, they politely didn't show it. Hyejin was a bit hung over, Wheein was beaming as if she had slept in a bed of flowers and Moonbyul was her usual self. She could be a morning person if she wanted, often getting up even earlier to read a book or an article that she was onto, or to take a cup of tea or coffee peacefully instead of postponing waking up and having to rush to everything and then get in a bad mood.

 

Yongsun did exactly the opposite. At 5 o clock that Byul's alarm went off, she hadn't slept in almost two hours and they certainly hadn't been peaceful. She rolled around as if to evade Moonbyul and forgot her own cue to get ready, falling into a brief slumber. An hour later, all her group members rushed to her bed and it was Hyejin's original idea to do a pile with their bodies to successfully wake her up. They had not much respect for their leader and older member, though.

 

Until then, it was rushing, packing badly her stuff and almost missing the flight and getting yelled by their manager.  But then they were in no time in the next city, again in a new hotel, equally sharing the room with Byul.

 

They gave them some free time to get ready for the talking show they were supposed to, and Yongsun, as tired as she was, decided to go for a walk. If she were to go to bed at this time of the day, no one could drag her out in many hours and that would not be ideal for many reasons.

 

Of course, going for a walk meant company. This time in the shape of Wheein, saying that Hyejin was spending too much time texting to talk to her, and Moonbyul simply saying she wanted do relax before the show.

 

"So what's up with you today, Unnie?" asked Wheein, just a few blocks from the hotel. "How come you didn't wake up on time? Byulyi-unnie told me you just rolled around when the alarm went on."

 

"I didn't sleep well... Had a bad dream of sorts...". Well, that a way to put it, thought Yongsun.

 

"Oh, I get it! Hyejin has nightmares all the time too, you know, so what she does is that she just climbs into my bed and sometimes we spoon, usually I just hold her and fear fades. Maybe you could ask Byulyi-unnie too, I'm sure she'd be more than happy!"

 

And then Wheein laughed. She must be teasing her, for sure. Yongsun tried not to blush so much. Wheein's advices would maybe be reasonable if they were talking about the same kind of nightmares, but given the situation it would be highly inappropriate. She tried to suppress the thought if what would have happened if she would have gotten into Byul's bed last night. Maybe the band would have been broken by now, she thought grimly.

 

"I don't think I'd would go well for us, Byul would never let me forget about it... It works for you girls, you have such an open dynamic."

 

At her serious and leader like response Wheein snorted.

 

"Unnie, I'm sorry. You are just too funny. Let's go get coffee, you need to relax a bit today!" and the Wheein was dragging her around the streets, laughing in a contagious way while looking for a local shop. Once they found a place not too crowded, in which their caps and glasses would blend in without notice, they sat with their respective orders, in opposite sides of the table. The light was sparse and it was cozy and private.

 

"So, Unnie... Correct me if I'm wrong... Are you like stressed out or something, lately? Tell auntie Wheein everything."

 

Despite all that Yongsun had been thinking and feeling lately, Wheein's smile, with dimples and her pretty factions, was contagious and she giggled. She was supposed to be called 'Solar' but Wheein was like everything warm and pure in the world.

 

" I don't really know... I think I'm just getting used to certain things in my life..."

 

"That is so ambiguous though... That could mean anything."

 

Yongsun simply sighed. "Perhaps you could say I'm having a bit of a life crisis."

 

Wheein didn't say anything for a while, simply stared at her and took her hand over the table, her warm fingers wrapping around the back of her hand and made little soothing movements with her thumb. She kept smiling faintly, like she was speaking through her eyes and conveying just pure love and understanding to her. It was too much and Yongsun fiddled in her seat.

 

" That's okay, Unnie. Sometimes life's like that. If you don't wanna talk about it, you don't have to, but I'd listen to you any day, anytime. And you know the girls would too...", Wheein trailed off.

 

"Yes, yes, I know. I love you girls so much..."

 

"Specially Moonbyul."

 

"What?! Why would you think I love her differently...?", said Yongsun, starting to panic.

 

Wheein just laughed, looking at her sudden reaction, "Unnie, don't get so defensive. I was saying that anyone of us would care about you, specially her because she is your bestie. You didn't let me finish..." Then Wheein was again laughing, making fun of her, she showed so in her face. "Why did you get like that? Are you hiding anything?"

 

Yongsun crossed her arms over her chest, clearly a defensive pose. She willed herself no to blush the faintest, Wheein was savage and she could take any element to make a good point. "Of course not. What would I hide?"

 

"A crush?"

 

Yongsun looked to her now empty cup, searching a distraction with no avail. She tried not to panic but her heart was racing. She felt dizzy, like her ears were ringing and she could not breath properly. Then Wheein's hand reached her forearm and through her fogged vision, she heard her.

 

"Unnie... Yongsun-unnie, are you okay?"

 

That seemed to help. She focused on Wheein's sweet voice, she blinked a few times and some color began to spread in her eyes. The noise in her ears began to fade a little and she felt like she could breathe again. She looked up to Wheein's face and her face was full of concern.

 

"Unnie. Are you okay? Where did you go? Did you have kind of... A panic attack? Or something?" too many questions but Wheein spoke low and slowly, like talking to a child.

 

Yongsun took a big breath before clearing her voice. "I... Yeah, I think so... I don't really..."

 

"Oh, it's okay. I'm used to dealing them. Has this happened before?"

 

"Yes, it's just been a while."

 

"Hmm... Yes. Do you know what triggers them in you? Was it something I said?"

 

Even if her mind was still recovering from the episode, Yongsun knew the word that made it happen. A crush. On Moonbyul. Wheein asking, or teasing her, for suspecting a crush on Moonbyul. She started to feel sick again.

 

Wheein, fast enough, sensed this and got up. She placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezed, and said, "Don't worry, Unnie, just relax. I'm gonna get the check and we'll go. You don't have to say anything. It's okay."

 

When she returned, Yongsun had already breathed through the worst and was centered again. She felt lighter than before but her energy was low. Wheein just smiled kindly, took her by her arm and walked with her. She didn't say much until they were a at least two blocks away from the shop again.

 

"I'm sorry, Unnie, that I didn't cheer you up. I guess that lately we all just felt that you were a little low and we tried our best for you, but we don't really know anything. You know we love you no matter what... Even if you don't wanna talk about it."

 

Yongsun felt a warm feeling inside her chest and her heart skipped a bit. Maybe she was tired or emotional but she felt she could easily break down and cry. She'd wanted no more than to tell everything to Wheein, to pour it out and to stop dealing with so much alone. But instead, she squeezed Wheein's hand and thanked her.

 

Wheein smiled and seemed to understand everything she wanted to convey in that gesture. She seemed to want to say something else but she stopped herself and just nodded, and then they finished walking towards the hotel.


End file.
